So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection
by CuHnadian
Summary: I had ventured into the world of Self Insert Fanfiction for Mass Effect. I was in the middle of working on my masterpiece when I was suddenly transported to a place called the "Empeorie Academy", where I would be taught by CuHnadian as well as many other Fanfiction gurus. I could tell you what it was like, but why don't I show you by writing it all down on a web page?
1. Chapter 1 : Prologue

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Fits Best**

**Chapter 1 : Prologue**

It's interesting how much some words on a page can inspire somebody. I always liked reading people's own stories tied in with one of my favorite franchises. Always jealous about how well they could portray the characters I knew and loved as well as their own. Soon enough I came across a self insert story, with the relatable protagonist, comedic scenes and personal dilemmas that the person has to go through when being transported to another world. That's when I thought, why don't I try doing that?

A day later I had some ideas and it was time to put those ideas on a page. My hands hovered over the keyboard and Microsoft Word was waiting for the words to fill the document, to which I started to remedy.

_It was a dark and stormy night. I stepped into the house wearing my black coat over my Skrillex T-shirt with my blue jeans and my New Balance shoes and my backpack containing my ipod, iphone 4, math books, science books and English books. Three hours later I went upstairs into my room and was bored and decided to play Mass Effect again. It was one of my all time favorite games and I felt like playing it again because it was one of my all time favorite games. An hour later I saw lightning outside my window, it was really loud and flashy. Suddenly the lightning went through my roof, down the electrical wires, down to my Xbox and started to drag me toward it. I started to scream like a little girl when I felt myself fall..._

Suddenly there was a hand on my neck, squeezing hard. The normal protocol of breathing was being decimated as I kept trying to feed my lungs oxygen but the person's hand felt like a cathedral. That was when the being showed his face to me. The problem aside from the person choking me? It was a she with blue skin. My eyes felt like they were going to gouge out in conjunction with her eyes going black.

"Embrace Eternity!"

My body and mind slip into the world known as the unconscious.

* * *

_Why can't anyone wake up on a soft and comfortable surface after they've been unconscious? Seriously it's like there's some kind of law... _My thoughts were halted when I found myself looking at a window that showcased nothing but the vastness of space. My thoughts were about to complain how my eyes felt like they would pop out for the second time when I noticed a man in some futuristic armor sitting in a chair, looking up from his Omni-tool.

"Oh hey, look who's awake." The man said with an English accent.

My eyes took in who I was looking at. To which I noticed the blood red Dragon chest piece, the Dead Space 2 helmet and the voice. _Holy shit! _"You're Ian Shaw!"

"Yes, yes, C-Sec cop turned crew member turned vigilante, that's me." Ian replied.

Before I could get over my freak out over being in space and seeing a fictional character in the flesh. A door opened behind me, revealing a man in red and white spartan armor straight from a Halo game. "Who are you?" I asked.

"My name's Lucas Raycevich or Alcatraz. But most people just refer to me as Lucas or CuHnadian. I'm also a Fanfiction writer like Ian here." He said.

"I've never heard of you."

"Trust me when I say you're far from the only one who hasn't." Lucas shrugged.

"Where am I?" I asked, finally getting up on my feet.

"You're at the Empeorie Academy."

"Kind of like Grissom Academy, except with Fanfiction writers instead of Biotic students." Ian added.

"One of our Asari spies noticed that your story was...what's the word?" Lucas put his hand on his chin in thought.

The room's door opened again and showed a man leaning his head into view and said. "Shit?"

Lucas snapped a finger. "That's it!" He turned around and looked at the man. "by the way Art, you just lost the game."

"Fuck!" Art exclaimed before leaning away from the door making it shut again. Lucas then looked back to me.

"Anyway, to fix this problem. Me along with many other writers are going to help you out. In each sitting, I'll be discussing a certain topic whether it'd be action scenes, romances or endings, to which I'll then bring in another author who has done the topic in question well, so that he or she can give you first hand advice. I'll also be showing any advice sent to me by other authors."

"Will Ian be teaching me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because he's too busy accepting requests from fans to use him in their stories."

Ian looked up at Lucas. "Didn't you also ask for..."

"Shut up!" Lucas glanced at Ian before looking back at me. "But first, if you haven't read the guides by Empeorie himself, you should probably do that before we get started. When you're ready, come meet me in the next room where we'll start the first topic."

"Which is?"

"Openings and Introductions."

* * *

**Authors Note : It's back! Granted not by the creator but I'll try my best to do this series justice. Now if you have advice of your own for the next chapter's topic (Openings and Introductions in this case), be sure to send me a PM and if it's good, I'll add it in. I hope this series will help out everyone, whether they've been on the site for four days or four years. Now as always, PEACE.**

**P.S. Special thanks to Empeorie for giving me the opportunity and if Herr Wozzeck reads this, please don't kill me...**


	2. Chapter 2 : Openings and Introductions

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Fits Best**

**Chapter 2 : Openings and Introductions**

With the tips from the previous two guides beaten into my head I stepped into the room next door. As I did I came to find a couch, a holographic screen, some nice ambient lighting and Lucas standing inside. This time in regular civilian clothes. He turned around to look at me.

"Good, you're here. Have a seat."

I took his advice and sat down on the big comfy couch. It was a nice change of pace from the plastic chairs I was used to in classes like this. Soon enough the screen booted up and Lucas took a seat near by.

"Well, let's not waste anymore time." He started. "Now since you have read the first two guides, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have already decided where and how you will start your story. Whether it'd be in media res, flashbacks or anything else. What we're going to focus on instead is how you should go about writing openings in the first place. Now the first thing to talk about is pacing. Pacing is incredibly important in any part of a story and this also counts with the beginning.

Like pacing in general, it's a delicate balancing act. Many writers want to get the introduction out of the way so they can get to the more interesting and exciting bits. There's nothing wrong with this in theory but it can lead to a writer rushing the start of a story. In the beginning you want to build up the atmosphere, introduce the characters and let the reader immerse themselves into your setting. While it is possible to have drama at the start, most people (including myself) prefer to use a comedic or light hearted tone at beginning. Generally, if you have a dramatic scene at the very start between characters, the reader won't care because he or she barely knows who these people are. The movie 'DRIVEN' is a perfect example of this. But if you can get a serious introduction to work then by all means, stick with it.

However, some people can go in the exact opposite direction and get carried away with details that nobody and I mean _nobody_ cares about. You can hint at some things you like and how you look but don't go too far with the details. There's more to establishing characters then just naming things they like.

Then there's how to think when writing an introduction. I remember thinking when I wrote the early chapters for Mass Affect 1 that I had to get through the normal SI routine (get money, get a job, etc) before getting to the interesting bits. If this is what you're thinking when writing, you're not a good writer, end of story. A good writer finds a way to make the beginning interesting, a good writer finds a unique way of starting a story, a good writer revises an old formula thought to be impossible to improve. A bad writer doesn't do any of these things.

Now I could continue but I'd rather hand over the subject to someone who has done this better than me."

Just as Lucas finished, the door opened to reveal a young woman stepping inside. The thought that crept up to my head made my look at Lucas.

"How did you do that?"

"What?" He asked.

"How did you get her to arrive right when you finished?"

"Beginners luck." He shrugged.

"Oh."

Lucas got up from his seat. "This is Elateyin121, but you're probably better off just calling her Megan."

I looked this Megan person over – I'd never heard of her before either. She was wearing a sleeveless white top with matching pants and was barefoot. She appeared kind of nervous as she walked up and cleared her throat:

"Well, I hear you need some advice on how to get your Self-Insert started."

"Apparently, yeah," I answered.

"Alrighty then, let's just jump right in to it, shall we? Some of what I say may be repetitive, I know Lucas has covered some points already, but it doesn't hurt to hear it again. Getting any story going can be difficult, especially if you already have things planned for later on; but setting up the 'later on' is just as important, and is a major factor in whether you can keep a reader interested."

She was slowly pacing now, hands clasped behind her back. I sat forward in my chair, listening carefully.

"For starters, to keep a reader's attention, you first need to catch their attention. Your introduction as a Self-Insert character is key – you don't want to make it too short so the reader won't have a clue who you are, and you don't want to make it long and boring either with pointless details. You need to introduce yourself properly, but not do the whole 'My name is Blah Blah Blah' unless you are starting off in a 'looking back' mode and telling the events that lead to where you start your story at. The reader doesn't want to know everything about you the moment they meet you, it's much more entertaining if they get to learn details as you go. Let them get a feel for your character and let the details come out naturally in the dialogue, your thoughts and observations as befits the situation. Including what you look like – no need for a photographic description.

There are a lot of Self-Inserts out there, so it can be difficult to stand apart. The best way to do this is to make the start of your story unique; take a chance and do something completely different. That way you get the reader's attention and keep them wondering what will happen next. Think to yourself: What has never been done before? What's a new way to do this? It's your story, you don't have to fit yourself into any kind of pattern.

Don't try to force the ideas or rush into it thinking it will work for you; if you get confused, step back and figure what would work best. Don't write just to have something to post, it's okay to take a little longer if you have to, to get it done right.

You don't need to jump right into the action part of the story immediately, though you certainly can if that is your style and it all depends on where your SI ends up in the Mass Effect universe: taking your time to build atmosphere and get your character(s) adjusted to being where they are is good, too. Make it make sense. If you confuse the reader too much you will lose the reader.

And you can go through the steps of your Self-Insert getting money, a job, a place to live, etc., but make it interesting instead of kinda blowing through that part, since generally that is when the SI is first being fully introduced to his or her surroundings.

Keep things as 'realistic' as possible, especially the way your SI talks. Talk like you, think like you: don't try to sound all impressive with big words or long descriptions. Long descriptions can get boring, and if you try to make yourself sound like someone else, it will come across as fake and awkward, and that will send a reader looking for another story. And since it is a Self-Insert, it is assumed the character will be much like you. So consider: Would you really say or do that? Can you actually do that?

And a big thing for me is to have the first few chapters planned out ahead of time so they make sense and can lead in to the rest of the story and the main plot. You don't have to have the whole thing panned out, but a general idea is better than totally winging it and getting stuck with what to do later on. For instance: Why are you there? Does your Self-Insert know why? Did someone bring you in with a plan in mind? Or are you there by a happy accident? Any other ideas on how to get there that no one else has thought of yet? Many different ways will work, but having that figured out makes it a lot easier."

I was propping my head on my hands, trying to stay focused. She caught on and grinned sheepishly.

"Don't worry I'm almost done, just a couple little pointers left.

A good idea: Plan to have a good reason for Commander Shepard to invite you to join his/her crew, or for keeping you on (if joining Shepard is part of your plan). Shepard wouldn't take just anybody, especially a nobody, with no skills of any kind.

Whatever you do, do not try to make yourself more important or more epic than Commander Shepard. No one is as epic as Commander Shepard.

This last bit hasn't got much to do with openings and intros, but I wanted to put it out there cuz I've seen a few SI's that didn't think about this: Remember that as in real life, not everyone you meet is going to like you. Deal with it, play with it and make a good story."

Megan paused in front of me to think for a moment; then she nodded, "And that's it, I guess. Can't think of anything else to help out with getting you started. Sorry if I overloaded your brain a bit. I ramble."

"It's cool," I answered. I just hoped I could remember everything these guys were telling me…

"So with that, I take my leave. Good luck with your Self-Insert!" She gave a flourishing bow to me, and then in Lucas' direction, "It's all yours Lucas!"

"Thank you, Megan." Lucas bowed his head in return. "Well, let's move on shall we?"

* * *

******Special thanks to Elateyin121 for helping out with this chapter and be sure to check out her work.**

**Next Chapter : Plot, Theme and Tone feat. Guess which writer because I'm not going to spoil who it is, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahaha...uh, PEACE.**


	3. Chapter 3 : Plot, Theme and Tone

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Fits Best**

**Chapter 3 : Plot, Theme and Tone**

Lucas cleared his throat. "To start with this topic, it's good to delve back in and remember what these following things are. As everyone knows a story is a series of events. A plot is why the events are happening; it's what connects the events in the story together. A plot should follow A, B, C and not J, Z, F. The plot should always feel connected because if it doesn't, the story is just what its definition is, a series of events. These plots can come from anywhere, but they should come from characters. Good characters have motives that drive the plot forward. I am going to talk about characters, but for now I'm going to cover that subject separately in the future. The thing to always remember, though, is that the characters should drive the plot and not the other way around. Since plots come from a character's motives, "Plot" can be seen as another way of saying "Character motives". Therefore, if the plot drives the characters, you remove the motive aspect, which is what should cause the events to happen in the first place.

Then there's theme. Now this is a bit confusing since there are multiple meanings of this in literature. Theme by definition is what the story is about, but that's a pretty broad description. Some people use the word literally: like Mass Effect 2 is about gathering a group of people for a suicide mission The other way 'Theme' is used, and what I personally think is the proper term for it, is describing what's underneath the story, what the story implies but never explicitly states, such as Mass Effect 2's 'Theme' is loyalty. Then there's tone, which sort of builds on the previous point. Tone is how the theme is presented. What the feel of the story is. This is very important because whatever tone you choose is going to impact the overall story in a massive way. The Batman series is a perfect example of this. They all have basically the same setup and retain some of the basic themes, that is : A millionaire known as Bruce Wayne moonlights as a vigilante dressed like a bat to fight crime. Despite this however, so many Batman stories feel completely different from each other and the change in tone is the primary reason as to why.

Now that we've got that out of the way, lets delve into the actually construction of the following topics. When it comes to plot, there's a lot of room for you to get creative, but, even though there's not really any 'rules' per say, there are still some important things to remember. I already mentioned earlier that you should make sure that the characters drive the plot or else you'll disconnect the reader entirely, but there's more than just that. Firstly, if you're an inexperienced writer who's gotten into it because of Mass Effect, you need to broaden your horizons a bit before starting a story. I say this because there are many fanfictions I've read that feel too much like the actual game. You don't write a story like you do for a game, why? Because it's not a game. This mainly goes for action scenes which too I'm going to talk about separately but this also goes for things like Shepard being a static brick, every woman in the universe wanting to bang the SI and so on. Secondly, it's important to know where your story is going to end up, that is, planning out the things that need to happen in the story instead of going into it completely blind. It's okay to adjust how some of the events pan out but if you go into a story blind, it will reflect way before it gets to its conclusion. Thirdly, if you're going to use an episodic plot structure, then it's important to know that the end of each 'episode' should have an impact on the characters or advance the overarching plot. Good television shows practically rely on this. Fourth, twists. A story without twists or surprises are usually pretty boring stories. It is true that there are many creative works that have been successful despite having uninteresting stories to tell, but these are usually some Movies and Video Games. Since you're writing a story the old fashioned way, you can't fall back on things like special effects or fun gameplay, the story is all you've got. However, a twist isn't something that you can just shoehorn in. A twist should make the reader do a double take and drop their jaws, not leave them scratching their heads. A good twist needs come out of nowhere, but it still needs to be connected. Examples of this working are things like Lucky Number Slevin, Fight Club, Call of Duty Black Ops, etc. Cases of twists not working are things like Bioshock, Wanted (The Movie), Crackdown, etc. Like many things in story telling it's a delicate balancing act. You want to give some foreshadowing so you don't have a cheap plot twist like Crackdown, without giving away too much, as well as not being obvious, predictable or just plain stupid.

As for the theme, like before there aren't really any rules, only advice. Theme is also difficult to give advice on due to how many variables there are. What I can say though is that no matter which theme(s) you choose, your story needs to support it. Mass Effect 3's ending was and still is a perfect example of this not working properly. Adding or changing a theme is fine, as long as there's a reason for it and the story, plot and tone support it. If it's too sudden or is only used to force in a plot device, it feels disconnected. Just like Plot, the theme should be determined by what kind of characters the story has, what their motivations are and how the theme is presented.

This brings us onto tone, which should also be supported. The tone should have purpose, a reason as to why X tone should be presented in a Y story. However, that doesn't mean you should restrict yourself in genre. If decided to go for a dark tone, that doesn't mean your entire story has to be a Drama, after all there is such a thing as dark humor. There are also many stories that succeed in changing a tone, because of the character(s). I know I'm repeating myself which is why I plan to hand this off to the fellow writer soon, but I can't stress how important it is. If your story is dark without a reason then the story as a whole feels pointless." Lucas took a deep breath a reached for something underneath his desk, which turned out to be a bottle with Tupari written on it. Lucas opened the cap and tilted his head for a chug.

_Wait isn't that..._

Lucas suddenly spit all of it out with a disgruntled look on his face, shaking his head. "Why does he want to drink this shit?" He muttered, noticing the look on my face. "I'll just tell Rev to get in here."

"Wait, you mean TheRev28!" I asked.

"Yeah, same guy," Lucas opened up his Omni-tool to make the call.

I was giddy like a five year old all over again. Until a minute had passed with no answer from Rev. Lucas sighed and stood up from his desk making his way to the door.

"Just a second," He said before the door shut behind him. I sat around twiddling my thumbs for another minute when I started to hear voices on the other side of the door, it opened to reveal Lucas dragging in someone else who looked a bit older, Rev, who was currently complaining.

"I was working on chapter 12! It was going to be really good!"

"Not it wasn't," Lucas said, dryly.

"Yes it was!"

"What, were you going to end it on a cliffhanger again?"

"...Maybe."

"Just get on with it." Lucas had finally gotten Dylan over to the desk, allowing him a seat. Pushing the nearly full Tupari bottle in front of him. "Here, you'll love this stuff." He turned to me. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get a soda."

With that, Lucas walked out of the room, leaving me here with Dylan. "Don't listen to him," he said, picking up the Tupari and looking at it. "Chapter 12 is gonna be awesome, just you wait." Dylan paused to take a swig of the drink, and I was curious to see if his reaction would be the same as Lucas'. "Not bad. Kind of tangy. Anywho, back to plot, theme, and tone. I wasn't really listening to what Lucas was saying, but I'm sure it was all good stuff. Because of that, I might repeat some of what he said, so sorry in advance.

Plot is one of the simplest and most difficult things to get right in any story—but especially fanfiction. The problem here is that all your readers presumably _know _the plot of whatever you're writing about. People know that the rachni are on Noveria, the Thorian is on Feros, and someone dies on Virmire. There's a very fine line in fanfiction: staying completely true to the plot makes it boring, but straying too far tends to turn people off unless they like that kind of stuff. Most readers, however, want to have a plot they're comfortable with while also getting surprised every now and again. In my opinion, the best way to get around this is to keep the overall missions the same while changing the details. This can also be a great way to keep your SI on his toes; he knows what _should_ be happening, but what's _actually _happening is just different enough to make him not know what's coming next."

Once again, Dylan paused to take a drink of Tupari. "Now, there is one piece of plot that is—or should be—unique to every SI: why he's there. What purpose is he serving in the MEverse? How did he get there? What is he supposed to do? This is how you set your SI apart. This is also something that you should know pretty early on so you can leave hints throughout the whole story or series. Take mine, for example. I was brought to the MEverse by Death in the very first chapter. That right there is unique. Later, I eventually find out why Death brought me to the 'verse. So basically, you want this to be the overarching plot of your story, with the game plots used as a framing device.

That's about all I have for plot right now, so I guess we're on to theme. Actually, I'm gonna talk about theme and tone together because they kind of go hand in hand. I think before you have a definite theme (or themes), you need to find your tone. Tone is what you want the readers to feel while reading your story. Do you want them to be happy? Sad? Confused? Setting a lighthearted tone for a story with dark themes tends not to work. It takes a very skilled writer to pull off that kind of dissonance. Most Sis go for a lighthearted, joking tone, setting up their character as a good person who likes to make sarcastic remarks. Nothing really bad usually happens. Crew interactions tend to involve a lot of banter, and firefights can get a little hairy, but nothing permanent happens. Personally, I think that theme is the least important of the three topics being discussed. To me, theme flows naturally from the story once you have a tone and plot established. It's still a very important part of the story, but it doesn't need much planning—unlike plot and tone.

I'm, uh, not really sure what else I can say about this stuff, so I guess I'll just summarize. Come up with an overarching plot about why your SI is in the MEverse. This is your one area to really set yourself apart. Once you have that covered—or at least have a general idea—make sure to constantly reveal tidbits of information about it throughout the story. When dealing with game events, my recommendation is to keep the basic premise the same while changing the details. It keeps the readers comfortably on their toes. At the same time as you're choosing the overarching plot, pick a tone for your story. The tone should reflect the plot, and vice versa. The two are codependent on each other, so getting one wrong will often throw the other one off. And finally, let the theme grow from the plot and tone; though, I will say that this is just my personal recommendation. If you want to come up with a theme as well, just make sure that it plays nicely with the plot and tone.

Anywho, I think that's it. I'll call Lucas back in here, and you can get on to your next lesson. I hope my humble teachings helped."

"I'm sure they did."

I turned around to see Lucas walking past me toward his desk.

"Well Rev, it's been great having you here."

"Thank you for having me, now I have to get back to work on Chapter 12." He got up from Lucas' chair and looked at me. "It'll be out soon, by the way." He continued down the hall, slowly.

"Yep." Lucas said.

"And it'll be really good."

"Mmhmm,"

"I mean really good."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "You were able to obtain half of the reviews I have total in a single chapter, I don't think you need much promotion."

"I'm just saying it will be worth the..."

Lucas suddenly had a bottle of jack in his hand. "Get out of here!"

Dylan's eyes went hide and he rushed out the door. I turned back to Lucas with a raised eyebrow. "What was that about?"

"You haven't seen Dirty Laundry yet, have you?" Lucas smirked.

"What's that?"

"Well, since our class is done today, you'll be able to the look for it. As for next time, if everything goes to plan, we should have another special guest. On the subject of Characters."

* * *

**Authors Note : Special Thanks to TheRev28 for helping out with this chapter. The next one is going to be long since I might actually have another special guest making an appearance in it. Until then, watch #DIRTYLAUNDRY and have an awesome day. ****PEACE.**


	4. Chapter 4 : Characters

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Fits Best**

**Chapter 4 : Characters**

Actually being at the Empeorie Academy was...strange. It was amazing how many damn writers were here, most of them probably in the same situation as me. However I noticed a lack of traffic in the hallways this time around. A fellow writer sprinted past me, leaving me puzzled.

"Hey!" I called out. "What's going on?"

The writer ignored me, causing a sigh from me as I started running. It wasn't as short as I thought it would be, meaning that by the time I got to the destination, I was panting. _Now I know why it's not a good idea to put SI's on missions right away, cause it's bullshit! _I stopped my inner rants as I looked to see where the commotion had lead to. It was an apartment with the name tag next to the door being "CuHnadian". The mentioned door was surrounded by dozens of people shouting and banging the metal.

I opened up the Omni-tool I was given and hit the call sign when I crossed over Lucas' name.

"Hello?" He asked on the other side.

"Hey, it's me."

"What's up?"

"Uh, do you know that there's a crowed of pissed off people outside your place?"

"Yeah I do, because I'm inside my place."

"Oh, well, what's this all about?"

He sighed. "One second," Suddenly I could hear his voice from his cabin. "Will you all go away! I didn't think the twist in Bioshock was that great, why is that so hard to grasp!"

Now it was my turn to freak. "What! How could you not like it! It's one of the best twists in video game history!"

"Oh for fuck sake," he moaned. "Here, I got to invite someone to the call, don't say a word."

I furrowed my eyebrows when another voice came into the chat.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mac, how's it going?" Lucas asked.

_Wait...Mac?_

"Oh it's going okay, what's up?"

"Not much, I just wanted to talk to you about something, do you think you can come over?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. Won't people see me there?"

"Oh don't be so paranoid Mac, these area's are empty at these hours."

"Okay, if you say so. I'll be on my way."

"Was that who I think it was?" I asked after Mac disconnected.

"Yep, just give him a few minutes."

I did. Within less than five I could see a human sized being in the distance with a robe. _Wow, I guess Mac Walters really does fucking love robes. _The lead writer stopped when he saw Lucas' door surrounded by the mob of angry fans. Mac turned around in a panic and tried to walk out unseen, however...

"Hey everyone! There's Mac Walters!"

Mac halted and turned to see the mob looking at him like a bunch of rednecks found Obama.

"Charge!" They all shouted, as Mac ran like the road runner with the army chasing him around the academy. I looked at CuHnadian's apartment to see Lucas peeking outside the door, sighing in relief before stepping outside.

"Come on, lets go before they catch him and come back here." I nodded and followed. "It's funny how quickly a bad ending can make people forget Walters wrote for Garrus."

* * *

It wasn't long until we entered the learning center and took our relative seats. Lucas cleaned his throat like usual.

"Okay, so we're going to follow up the previous lesson with what I think is the most important part of a story, characters. I say that characters are the most important part because they are what drives the story, they are what the story always falls back on, without characters, the story can't go anywhere. There's no such thing as a great story with bad characters. That's why it's so important to get it right.

So what makes a great character? Well, just like Plot there's not really any rules. Writing is all about creativity, which means you should never restrict yourself. Generally though, good characters have unique personalities, are well developed, have multiple layers to them and are of course, entertaining. It's also good to give them some connection to the plot, but it's not required. Once again I fall back on Mass Effect 2 as an example.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Some people have made the point that out of all the squad members in Mass Effect 2, Mordin is the only one that is plot integral. From a technical stand point this is true, the Commander needs Mordin so he can obtain a counter for the seeker swarms, otherwise they can't attempt saving colonies or boarding the Collector base and advancing the plot. From an experience stand point however, it's hard to imagine Mass Effect 2 without it's cast of characters. Apart from Jacob they're all interesting, well developed, multi layered and entertaining. Even if they aren't attached to the main plot, they still have an impact on the player and world. Which is good because Mass Effect 2's plot was extremely simple. Gather a crew, solve their daddy issues, go on a suicide mission, blow shit up, the end. If it wasn't for the characters, people would have lost interest in the first hour.

However, just because I've used the Mass Effect games as reference on many occasions, that doesn't mean you should make your characters copies of Bioware's. In fact, it's something to avoid. Take the self-insert for instance. A mistake that many first time writers make is designing their self-insert to be like Shepard. Everything from choosing specific classes, to powers used in action scenes, to attracting all the romance characters, etc. What many people forget is that the game was like this, because it was a game, about choice. You're not writing a game about choice and as such you shouldn't restrict yourself to game mechanics that aren't even there in the first place.

And speaking of romances, that's another subject I'll briefly go over. Now I'm about as polar opposite to a romantic as you can get but even I know that love at first sight is a very rare thing and even more rarely does it happen to two people at the same time. This is something to avoid unless your story is a comedy or a parody. Shows that have good romance plots generally don't have the two characters together right away or if they already are like in Dexter, it comes with a different set of conflicts to make it interesting.

Personally, I've never been one for dissing a couple in a story just because it's been done before. If someone can write a common pairing like OC/Tali or Shepard/Garrus that's perfectly fine. The reason why SI romances with Tali have a bad reputation is because there are so many horrific ones that can be boiled down to this :

Tali : Keelah, you saved my life, I love you!

OC : I love you too, Tali!

Tali : Hey! Let's go fuck now!

OC : Yay!

If your story is going to have a romance – whether it's a main or sub plot – it needs to be more than this. Now, let's move on to the last subject before I hand it over.

Writing cannon characters.

This has it's own set of pros and cons. On the plus side you don't have to spend time covering certain subjects since the reader will already know about them from playing the games. On the down side, you have to be careful with what you have these characters say and do. Unless your story takes place in an alternate universe, you can't simply do whatever you want with the character in question. Everyone has there own techniques but when it comes to dialogue, what I like to do is imagine the character saying whatever line I give them in their voice and judge from there whether it works or not. I can't imagine Liara saying "Holy shit" but I can perfectly imagine someone like Jack or Joker saying that. Dialogue with canon characters works best when they say something that is surprising but still believable. One of my favorite lines in Mass Effect 3 was when talking to EDI at purgatory. *MINOR SPOILER ALERT*

EDI : He said I didn't have to conform to some feminine ideal in order to impress him. I then called him on his bullshit and we proceeded to talk normally.

Lines like this are not only funny and surprising but they also develop the character. This is something that you can do when writing them in your story. Having them stay completely in character is fine but you still need to have them be interesting and not just repeat dialogue from the games."

Suddenly the door opened behind me and I turned to see Ian in regular clothing like Lucas.

"Perfect timing," Lucas said to him. "I was just about to hand it over." He stood from his desk.

"Wait, I thought you said he was too busy." I said.

"I lied."

"Oh."

"I've got some time on my hands," Ian said, then turned to Lucas. "Why's everyone chasing Mac Walters around? Actually, come to think of it, what the hell is Mac Walters doing here in the first place?"

"I have no idea," Lucas shrugged innocently.

"Well, he's pretty nippy," Ian noted, sitting on the edge of Lucas' desk. "Good thing barely anyone here has any decent cardio. He wrote Garrus, you know," he added, looking at me with a small smile.

"We do. But it figures you'd know it," Lucas sighed, heading to lean on the door. "Fanboy."

Ian clutched his chest in mock-outrage. "This is an academy for self-insert writers. I figured that was a given."

"Most of them don't write stories purely focused on what one character gets up to outside of the plot," Lucas pointed out. "Or has a gay relationship with them in another person's fic."

"Characters. Right," Ian said, tactfully ignoring Lucas and changing the subject and turning his attention onto me fully. Though he did seem to be blushing a bit. "I'm assuming Lucas crashed through the rough idea with canon characters, right?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Good. Were you listening?" I nodded even firmer this time, noticing Lucas glaring at me, his eyes daring me to say no.

"Even better," Ian smiled, chuckling at Lucas' expression. "Alright, let me think…I should probably go through OCs with you. An OC is an…original character. Right?" Ian looked at Lucas for confirmation, who nodded. "Two years writing, and I never actually checked that. Anyway, they're worth thinking about.

Writing canon characters is all well and good, and completely necessary if you're writing a self-insert that follows the Mass Effect game plotline with Shepard. So, like Lucas said, make sure they're talking like they would in game, mix up the dialogue a bit so it's different from what they say in-game, all that good stuff. Basically, make sure they're in character. Along the way, though, you might find that you want to add another character. Go off canon a little bit. Which is where OCs come into play. Not forgetting, of course, that the protagonist of a self-insert story is an OC themselves. Seeing as you'll be writing the protagonist a lot, that's a good character to start with. Let's run through the obvious stuff. No Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters need apply. We have an airlock somewhere in the Academy for those people."

"Wait," I asked, feeling a little concerned at the revelation. "We throw people out of airlocks here?"

"No, of course _we _don't," Ian said, frowning. "Once they get to an uncurable point, we just tell them about a room looking out into space, and if they press the control panel in the room, they get even more superpowers. Bastards can't resist." He clearly noticed my horrified expression, shaking his head quickly. "Hey, we have treatment areas for it. It's curable if you notice the signs early, but sometimes people just don't want to be cured."

"Ian," I heard Lucas mutter out of the side of his mouth. "You're scaring the writer."

"Look, just don't be an overpowered waste of bandwidth, and we don't have to worry, okay?" Ian said to me, trying a cheerful smile. "The good news is, it's fairly easy to avoid if you follow one simple step. Write yourself realistically. I mean, even you as a writer are gonna get bored of every problem being solved with a wave of your SIs hand, and your readers are going to get bored even faster than you are.

So that's a big thing for the SI his/herself. When they come into Mass Effect, they shouldn't really be able to defend themselves all that well. Having them learn is the ideal situation, or at the very least, not be anywhere near as skilled as characters like Garrus and Wrex straight away. They can improve over time, obviously, but make sure you never reach unrealistic levels. Oh, and you can't be a biotic, because there's so much bullshit there it'd pain me to go into it.

As for your character's personality and stuff, the same thing applies. Obviously, if it's a first person story, you should have internal monologue. The important thing with that is keeping it succinct; small sections that have meaning, like your character analyzing a scene, or are genuinely funny. They're one of your greatest assets in building your character and letting the reader understand them better, but in the same way, they're excellent at making a hateable character too. Keep them under control. It's also worth noting random tangents and pop culture references are alright in moderation, but can get very tiring, very quickly.

Having character development planned helps as well for a SI character. You'll probably enter a happy, naïve young man or woman. After going through a galactic war and the hell the Reapers can unleash, you won't come out of the other side the same way. It's worth thinking about."

"So, basically all you're saying there is 'make sure your character is realistic'," Lucas chuckled from the side.

"In essence, yeah," Ian shrugged. "The problem is that a lot of people don't seem to know what realism is."

"Good point, well made," I nodded. "So, how about other OCs?"

"Well, you have to make sure they have their own distinct personalities," Ian replied, sinking back into his monologue again. "Your OCs shouldn't be 'clones' of existing characters, so to speak. They should, ideally, have different speech patterns, senses of humour, personalities, backstories, the whole deal.

A distinct personality is probably the most important thing, and you need to have it established before you write an OC. So that's mostly working out how the OC would react to certain things happening, whether they're friendly or not in conversation, what their role is, how relevant they're going to be to the plot, etc. It's vital you don't just come up with an OC on the spot and try to run with it, particularly a plot-important one. Make sure you have a rough idea of what to do with them.

Additionally, while OCs can probably be more experienced than SI characters (since the OC already belongs in the ME universe, could have a military background, etc) you still have to avoid using them as an excuse for an overpowered character. Making an OC distinct and interesting is also vital. People already love the canon ME characters. They don't have a clue who your OC is, which means you're going to need work twice as hard to make people care about them the same amount as they care about characters like Garrus. One good way to do this (and something that's quite nice to see in SI stories anyway) is to have an OC/protagonist romance. It offers excellent potential for character development and screentime, encourages people to actually give a damn, and it also lowers the amount of stories that are Tali wish fulfillment fics."

"Asking TheRev for Ian/Garrus wasn't wish fulfillment?" Lucas asked, grinning.

"Hey, it was a realistic romance build-up, so it's allowed," Ian snapped, blushing even more. "They weren't jumping into each others' pants by chapter three. _That's _wish fulfillment. And you cut me off just before my conclusion, so nice job.

In summary, like I was _trying _to say, the main piece of advice is something that you should apply to all aspects of your fic; write realistically and within the laws of the Mass Effect universe. Part of the reason people love the Mass Effect cast is the wide variety of personalities and unique people on offer. Maintaining that uniqueness in the cast of your story is a big part of successful character writing." Ian looked to me. "Phew. I think that's everything I've got for now. That all sink in?"

"I think so," I nodded.

"Alrighty then," Ian yawned, getting up from the chair and heading to the door, which Lucas opened. "I think I'm off."

"Glad to have the help, Ian." Lucas said.

"Anytime."

Lucas stayed next to the door as Ian walked away. I was getting nervous by his silence when Lucas suddenly shut the door with a disappointed look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Oh nothing. I was just hoping that there would be some funny scene with him being chased by the angry fans for dissing bad Tali romances. It would have been a nice segway into our next segment."

I furrowed my eyes. "Which is?"

"Comedy."

* * *

**Authors Note : Special thanks to iNf3ctioNZ for helping out. Not much to talk about here except I posted something on the Bioware forums that may have you looking at EA in a different way : social . bioware forum/1/topic/355/index/13747522/1 (Remove Spaces) So with all that aside, have a nice day. PEACE.**


	5. Chapter 5 : Comedy

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Works Best**

**Chapter 5 : Comedy**

I shuffled in my chair when Lucas finally walked through the door and sat in his usual spot behind the desk.

"Alright," He said. "Now, let's get started on a subject that people think they're either really good or really shit at. I personally think I'm the latter which is why I'm going to move this topic to our guest. I had invited another writer along but he doesn't appear to think advice on self-inserts is worth his ti-" Lucas was cut off by a voice from the connecting hallway.

"Whoa! Whoa! Wait! Fuckin' stairs. Need tae catch my breath-" a young stopped in the doorway and leaned on the frame, heaving air into his lungs and wiped the sweat from his brow, "I took the lift halfway and thought I would be faster on foot but then there was this- Fuck it, you dinnae care. Sorry I'm late." He was scruffy, bearded and bent double, sucking air.

"This is Stuch," Lucas introduced him, "He was supposed to come by earlier than this and say a few things to you about dialogue." There was a long pause before Stuch caught his breath and carried on.

"Oh, you done? Thought you were gonnae - sorry - going to do one of your 'no pun intended' things," Stuch rolled his eyes, "Not a fancy self-insert like you guys, can't roll up in a *beep*-hot Lamborghini after spending the day with canon characters. Some of us - *beep*, so many stairs - have to..." But he didn't finish and instead, "This is a real fancy place, I feel under-dressed. Real stand-up guy you are inviting me here at all, famous self-insert offering a chance to an OC-writing nobody. I feel honoured."

And Stuch looked at me suddenly with a smirk, "First lesson, good word choice will get across the tone without having 'he said sarcastically' or whatever. I might have been slightly less than genuine with thanking Lucas there, you know? Look at me, hanging around the door like I don't belong here. Can I come in your excellence?"

Lucas nodded with a smile. "I'll tell Trebor to wait up," He said, leaning back in his chair. "Uh, let me just re-write the text on screen."

**Chapter 5 : Dialogue and Comedy**

Stuch got down to business. "Dialogue needs to be two things; functional and readable. And that is not to say that it has to be one or the other. You use it to give information on the plot and characters, to keep things moving and most importantly to suck the reader in. Make them suspend their disbelief by reading things people would actually say. It is a good form of exposition, explaining the plot and events between characters for the reader's sake. But don't be lazy about it, try and find ways to get your information across so that its carried by the dialogue instead of being it on its own."

Stuch's voice turned wooden and inexpressive, "As you know, Shepard, who is the commander of this ship called the Normandy, doesn't accept laziness from his crew and won't be any different with some kid who teleported into the cargo-hold from the year 2012." He grinned, "I'm heavily taking the piss and exaggerating sure but some of the things you read aren't far off. You can get across the same information with less, whilst keeping it readable and creating more character for whomever is saying it - no matter how small a part they might play." Clearing his throat, Stuch continued, "The next thing to consider would be how characters talk in different company. I mean you don't talk to your boss the same way you talk to your friends and-" Stuch's phone rang and he apologized, "Sometimes there are interruptions in speech. I have to take this." And he turned his back to me but continued on within earshot, "You wee bastard, not inviting me out last night. Where did you dicks end up? No way, so where was my invite? Fuck sake. Yeah? Get her back home? Shit! You dawg. Nah, I cannae right now. Aye helping some wee twat learn to write. Aye, aye. Catch ya." Stuch turned back to look at me.

"As you heard, my Scottish accent comes out more when talking with a close friend along with my slight tendency for misogyny and profanity. Nobody said you have to like the things you have your characters say." Stuch stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose, "A self-insert would never talk to Shepard like that, very few would. Maybe none. Shepard isn't like you, won't talk like you and won't find the same things funny as you would. He's a soldier and you might find the things he says hard to swallow sometimes. But that would all come down to the tone of your story.

Keep it real. People lie, repeat themselves, ignore each other, talk over each other. They shout, they whisper and-" Stuch muttered under his breath, "-they get overheard muttering under their breath. Example; if an explosion rocked this classroom and gunfire broke out would we be in the type of story to continue out casual conversation between bursts of fire?" Stuch stood still for a moment in expectation and...nothing, "Just kidding. And don't go thinking there ain't gonna be no double negatives because they don't make sense on paper. People use them and you understand what the mean. Just sit and listen to how people talk instead of writing how you think people should talk."

"And sometimes people don't talk and they just..." Stuch put his hands in his pockets and wandered over to a window, staring out for what felt like forever. The silence made me nervous, the complete opposite of his motor-mouth up until then, "You know? Makes what they say after more important, even it if isn't. You know? Because people had to wait for it. There was something else, something I had to waffle off in front of to show how I had forgotten. Just filling in the silence with useless dialogue while I tried to remember. Shit, what the fuck was I - Sorry, didn't mean to swear. Swearing! That was it, when and how to use it but I will be brief. Don't nobody need to be listening to me all day."

"Swearing isn't cool," Stuch pointed at me like a disapproving parent, "Not big and not clever but adds to both character and believability in the correct situation and from the right mouth. If you're adding effs and blinds every other word because you, as the writer, think it's cool to do so then you're in trouble. If on the other hand you add them because the character thinks it makes them seem cool then that is better and actually adds something to your characterization. Use of profanity ties in heavily to changes in dialogue depending on who your character is talking to and of course stress levels in the given situation. The single best piece of advice I can give is to just listen to how people talk."

Stuch itched at his beard before muttering, "Now I can't just hang around here all damn day, gotta get back to writin' stories that nobody reads."

"I read them," Lucas said as Stuch made it to the door.

"Well ain't that just peachy." Stuch dryly replied before he was out the door.

Lucas shook his head with amusement before looking at me. "Alright, let's move on to the main topic. Now I don't think of myself as a funny guy, yet I've had some people tell me that Mass Affect 2 was 'Funny', 'hilarious' even. So being funny isn't impossible like some people think it is. On the flip side it's also harder than some people think it is. Like many things in writing it's a pretty broad subject with no real rules. However, there are a few things I've learned from experience. For the sake of this guide I'm going to assume that your story is mostly drama with bits of comedy laced through it. If your story is mostly a comedy well...maybe our guest can help you out.

Now first and for me the most important thing to remember is to not revolve a scene around a joke. What I mean by this is that to not shove a joke down a reader's throat just because you think it's funny, and to give the joke some purpose. Horrible Bosses was a great movie because it had very funny scenes and dialogue but both also progressed the story and developed the characters. A story, even if it's a comedy, still has to have a plot. A story without plot is just a bunch of random scenes taped together. Constructing scenes around a joke also generally leads to the gag itself either being predictable or far too played out.

Then there's pop culture references. Now this is something that everybody has an opinion on so I'll try and keep this brief. References can be funny and well done, BUT they're something to keep to a minimum. If you're going to use a pop culture reference then it should be for a reason, otherwise you end up with what I like to call; The Friedberg/Seltzer Effect. References that aren't ironic, insightful or funny, just references. Not only are these stupid but they'll make your readers click away as most people don't like being treated as if they're parents threw them down a massive flight of stairs as an infant. A good way to pull off references is making them subtle. Things that most people wouldn't notice but don't lose much for missing, while still leaving something for certain readers. Web Zeroes and Castle are both great examples."

_(Have you heard of either of those?)_

I jumped as I seemed to hear a voice in my head.

"Iron, I told you to not do that! I wanted to make a cool entrance!" A voice came from the doorway.

Lucas sighed. "Well, I'm done anyway, so you might as well come in."

The guy that stepped into the room had black and white armor, and more knives than I could count. There was also a red symbol on his chest. His face was expressionless, and his eyes seemed to glow faintly as he muttered to himself.

"Besides, you're supposed to be-"

_(Watch it! Spoilers!)_

I looked around again for the voice. "Ok, who is that, and who are you?"

"Name's Bourne. Jason Bourne."

_(I swear, you do that just because it makes you sound like a secret agent or something.)_

"And that psychopath would be Iron. Long story short, we kinda got stuck sharing a body so now he's a voice in my head."

I just stared at him.

"Well, half of the humor somehow comes from him. I figured I had to have him in here somehow."

Lucas spoke up. "Um, can we get back on topic here?"

_(Yeah yeah, don't rush us.)_

Bourne rolled his eyes. "Ok, so I guess one of the most important things about the humor is timing. If you're in a really dramatic scene, like someone just died, then that's really not the best time to crack a joke."

_(Yes it is.)_

I stared at him again.

"Just ignore him, that's what I do."

I just nodded.

"But besides timing like that, it's not as big a deal in text as in a movie or in person. Usually it's more important to just put it in the right spot. Another thing to remember is to keep the jokes in character. If someone's known for it, like Joker or Garrus, then most of the time it makes sense for them to tell a joke. On the flipside, someone like Thane or Mordin are less perfect candidates."

_(You haven't even gotten to the second game yet, so how would you know?)_

"With those two, it'd make more sense for it to be dry humor, or a joke that wouldn't be intentional from them."

_(Wait, the jokes from you are intentional? I thought it was just you being a moron.)_

He sighed. "Ok, that brings me to another good way to put humor in. Say someone's being a jackass, and you manage to get in a good insult. Sometimes that works, but there's a fine line between being funny, and just being a dick."

_(A line which you apparently like to play hopscotch with.)_

"Another important thing to remember about jokes is to make sure that they actually make sense. Something Iron seems to have never learned."

_(It made sense!)_

"That was really a stretch." He shook his head. "One thing I have to agree with Lucas about: references. They don't always have to be obvious, but they shouldn't be something like 'may the force be with you hur hur hur'. Just enough that someone else could recognize it. And like Lucas said; even if it's funny, if it doesn't fit the scene, leave it out. You can always put it in later if nothing else."

_(Is that why you keep refusing to use my joke about dead babies?)_

"Ok, another thing. Some things are not funny to joke about, and to add on to what the first guy said, expletives don't automatically make a joke funnier, or even funny."

_(Oh, what do you know you b *** a** motherf ** * ** piece of s* * f ** *)_

"Ok, if it's deliberately over the top like that, then that's different. But, since that doesn't really work so well most of the time, I'm talking about just adding an f-bomb or something for no reason. That being said, Iron, if you keep interrupting me, I will blast you with the worst song in history."

_(You're going to have to be more specific, there's a lot of candidates nowadays.)_

"Argh! Ok, ignoring him, getting back to the lecture." He took a deep breath. "Puns, some people like, some people don't. That one I'll leave up to you. Racist jokes might piss people off, same goes with religion, sexist jokes, ect. That one you should just use common sense on."

_(Right. Every time you get the chance, do it.)_

He sighed. "Ok, I think that wraps it up here."

_(Basically- unless you have a super twisted sense of humor like mine- if it makes you laugh, it'll probably make other people laugh. But it's usually a good idea to take a step back and read it all again, because sometimes you might realize that it actually needs to go.)_

"…Yeah, what he said I guess. But only the last part. Pretty much anything else he said, ignore."

_(Pretty much? Well, I must be especially lucid today.)_

"Or you're just being toned down for the sake of this being a guide, not just a pysco to provide half of a comedy duo."

_(Duo? Learn to count.)_

"Well, since the other one didn't show up in this story, I'm just leaving it at that."

He shrugged. "I guess that's it for me."

He looked over at Lucas. "You're going to put some sort of add for my story at the bottom, right?"

"Haven't I done that for every guest author?"

"Just making sure I don't have do it." Bourne said before heading for the door.

"Well I think that covers everything,"

_(Why do you even bother saying "Think"? You know it's over.)_

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Isn't Bourne supposed to be the only one that hears your voice in his head?"

_(Who gives a shit about plot holes in a writing for dummies guide? I mean really? I didn't think anyone other then Bourne could be that-)_

Lucas hit a button on his Omni-tool, starting some music.

I got a hangover! Woahhhhhhh! I've been drinking to much for sure. I got a hangover! Woahhhhhhhhh!

_(Shutting up now!)_

Lucas ended the horror and looked to see me with an angry face.

"Okay, I'm sorry for getting that stuck in your brain forever but at least it made him shut up."

Touche.

"Anyway. What I was going to say was now that we've looked at comedy, it's time to look at the other side of the stick."

"Drama"

* * *

**Authors Note : The reason for this chapter taking so long to get out is completely my faul-I mean uh...it's TREBOR117's. Yeah, all his fault so go ahead and tell him that while your reading Stuck in a World of Fiction. Speaking of which you should go read that as well as Those He Leaves Behind by Stuch, they're both some of the better stories on the site. Special thanks to both for helping out with this chapter, especially since Stuch did the dialogue tips all on his own for me to put in without even asking. TRE also told me to put his twitter here so it's Jason Bourne at Trebor117. Watch him get banned for copyright infringement. PEACE.  
**


	6. Chapter 6 : Drama

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Fits Best**

**Chapter 6 : Drama**

"The key difference between comedy and drama is that comedy can still be effective even if it doesn't use every story telling component well. A comedy with a bad plot can still make people laugh. In drama, the events are supposed to be taken seriously and that requires caring. If a story has bad characters or plot, we won't care about the drama. This is just one of the reasons why drama is so difficult to pull off. Now let's get down to it.

I mentioned previously that if you're starting out you should avoid having drama at the beginning of a story and I still stand by that. The introduction is when your supposed to introduce the characters. If we barely know them then we don't care what happens to them no matter how serious the situation might be. If you're going to start a story on a serious note, it's better to do if it's a sequel or you've been writing for sometime. Having effective drama early on isn't impossible by any means, but it's already hard enough to write on it's own.

One of the ways to help converse your drama in a meaningful way is to have less of it. This is something that a lot of game writers don't seem to understand. That in order to have sadness you also have to have happiness. Why do you think the Mass Effect series had a much more interesting and effective narrative than a game like Gears of War? Because Mass Effect wasn't all about depressed muscle heads. The characters made us laugh, gave us hope and felt like people. That's why a character's death hurt so much, because they had hope and optimism, making it sad when they were the ones that were sacrificed. A story that is completely dramatic can still be effective but it can be even more effective if the characters have a wide array of emotions that don't consist of depression, sadness or vengeance.

Then there's the most important thing about drama, build up. The most effective uses of drama I've seen is when a story builds up to it. I don't mean by making it predictable, what I mean is when the drama gradually builds up instead of just appearing out of nowhere. Anybody that has seen Lucky Number Slevin knows what I'm talking about. This usually comes down to pacing and context. Sometimes a surprise change in tone can work in a story's favor or make for a good cliffhanger ending. Generally though, build up is the best way to pull off drama because you keep the reader completely immersed in the event. This is also why you might want to stick with simple words when writing drama. Clarity is always important in a story so if you use a fancy word in an important scene it could possibly pull the reader out of the experience.

The last thing I should mention is that being preachy in drama can be a deal breaker. This usually comes in the form of authors repeating the same sentence with only a slight variation, even I've been guilty of this. Naturally you can get carried away when writing and especially in dramatic scenes, because you want the scene to communicate it's message. However this can lead to you going overboard and unintentionally treating the reader like an idiot. The best way to avoid this is to not worry about it while writing but to look at the chapter again the next day or have you beta reader give his or her word on it. If you spend too much time on one place, even if it's a sad scene the reader will get bored."

Right as he finished I heard the door open. By now I knew the drill.

"Ah, good to see you made it," Lucas said to his guest. "I wasn't sure if a non self-insert writer would arrive. Then again Stuch was here last time so I shouldn't be surprised."

"Nice place you have here, Lucas. Pretty lighting and shiny floors, very snazzy if I do say so myself. With such high-horse decorations, I should start living here instead." He said with a sharp whistle. He straightened out his white hoodie and settled himself in the chair across from me.

"I'm JustAFerret. You can call me Ferret like everyone else. And no, I'm not an intelligent ferret that learned how to type with its stubby little arms. I've been asked that too many times. Anywho, us OC writers aren't too far off from SI's in terms of writing. In a way, you as a self-inserted character are an original character since there isn't anyone else like you. Unless you have some clone I'm not aware of." He said with a lopsided grin.

"But yes, on to drama. It's a very vital part of most fics. It's one of the meaty, juicy bits that make it more interesting. So it's essential to have any amount of drama make an impact while not overdoing it to soap opera levels. Before any drama scene can begin, there is something you have to do beforehand. No doubt someone has already covered it but I'll repeat it for the sake of emphasis. You have to make the reader care about the person dealing with the drama; whether it'd be a canon character or a SI or an OC. So have plenty of moments where the reader can become attached to the character. Just like any good dramatic piece, we grow to care about the characters because of what they say or do. Once we become attached to them, it makes the drama all the more powerful. Jack and Rose from Titanic were like star-crossed lovers, dancing and drawing some rather raunchy pictures. But when the metaphorical dung hit the metaphorical fan we all burst into manly tears because we believed the characters to be real people.

So make the character more human so that they can connect more easily with the audience. The more human they seem, the easier it will be to connect with them. However, not as much work is required for canon characters since we've already grown to love them." He said. He turned back to Lucas and cocked his head to the side.

"By the way, Garrus wouldn't be around here would he?" he asked.

Lucas shook his head.

"Dang, but back to business. Once the heat starts going and the tension starts rising, you need to be sure to make the reader feel the same way. Imagine the scene unfold before you and describe it. Is person A glaring at person B? Is person C clenching his fists and growling? It's all about details. They paint the picture and it's those cues that let the audience know stuff is about to come to a head. Always keep the character's motivation in mind. What is driving them during this these tense moments? Once you know, it should be easier to predict how they'd act and react. Also when you're writing, it helps to use short sentences. Short sentences pack more punch. They give it an extra 'umph'."

Also, understand that you should never EVER make drama just for the sake of having drama happen. It has to have a purpose or contribute to the plot in some form. The reader won't like it when they get riled up after a standoff between two people only for it to disappear like nothing ever happened. The drama needs to affect everyone involved and possibly lead to more conflict in the future.

When dealing with canon characters, you have to make sure you're not breaking their character when the drama happens. If Garrus gets livid with Liara because she said how dumb his visor looked, not only is that making Garrus look like a pushover, something he is not, but it also doesn't do any justice on Liara's character either. Now if someone is being disrespectful to Tali about her people and she gets angry, that makes sense. We've seen her get angry at that kind of thing before with the Volus on the Citadel in ME2 and it fits how loyal she is to her people. The person being disrespectful also fits because Quarians are generally hated throughout the galaxy. When the emotions are flowing, you should always ask yourself, 'would this person do this?' Someone who is usually calm shouldn't start flinging things around the room. Likewise, someone who has a short fuse wouldn't be as cool as a cucumber.

Drama in SI fics has its upsides. You already know your personality, you know how you'll act in a certain situation, and you're possibly dealing with canon characters that you care about. Take your virtues to try and diffuse a situation or take your pet peeves and use them as a way to stir up more excitement. Do you hate it when people brush you off as a nobody or when you're not involved? Do you hate it when a vending machine doesn't give you your chocolate bar even though you CLEARLY put enough money in?"

Ferret turned to Lucas and muttered, "By the way, one of the vending machines in the lobby is tipped over."

"You mean you tipped it over." Lucas replied.

"Shut up." Ferret said before turning to me. "When you're involved in the drama, be sure not to make yourself right all the time. That contributes to the Mary Sue/Gary Stu trope and will turn off a lot of readers. It's okay to be wrong sometimes, it doesn't make you a bad character. If anything it'll most likely make you more human to the audience. Once the drama is said and done, be sure to show the audience how each person was affected by it. Show them how one of the characters is still fuming while the other feels deep regret over what happened.

I have one more bit of advice. It isn't necessary but it certainly helps. Word choice can be the difference between a good sentence and a great one. For example, if you say something like 'Shepard pushed Udina across the room.' That's fine, but it would make it better if you used a more powerful word. So if you replace pushed with something else, you get 'Shepard shoved Udina across the room.' Still the same idea, except it translates Shepard's frustration in a much better way. This can also be used for stuff other than drama.

Well that about does it. I should probably book it. Adios peep of the internet. Hope you take these lessons you're getting to heart. I'd hate to see you get strung up as a warning to all the new authors. That's no fun for anyone."

Ferret jumped out of his seat and gave an exaggerated bow. "Now if you excuse me, I have to commit some DIY surgery on a vending machine."

Lucas sat straight when Ferret was out the door. "Alright. We're actually getting close to the end, just a few more lessons to go."

"So what's next?" I asked.

"Action scenes."

* * *

**Authors Note : It's true. There's only 2-3 chapters left for the guide.**

**Special thanks to JustAFerret for helping with the subject and while you're at it, go check out his stuff. I mean it, go! I hold Crimson Depth as one of the top five stories on the site, I actually get giddy whenever I see an update for it. In typical fashion I'm not going to tell you who the next guest will be so go ahead and guess, if you get it right I'll send you a box of internet cookies. PEACE.**


	7. Chapter 7 : Action Scenes

**So You're In A Self Insert 3? : Resurrection or Whatever Overused Subtitle Fits Best**

**Chapter 7 : Action Scenes**

Another day, another lesson. As much fun as it was to walk around this amazing place, I didn't feel like seeing Lucas when he was pissed off. I was entering the hallway leading to the room when I spotted a young English bloke standing outside the door.

"Ah, there you are." He said.

"I'm sorry, have we met?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No but I've seen you around here. Don't worry, not stalking. The name's Colonel-Mustard1990, or just Mustard. I was going to help you out with your action scene lesson but apparently Lucas already had another guest. So to make time for our lesson I knocked him out with one of those stun rounds he uses."

"Alri...wait what?"

"Follow me, rookie," Mustard said, pointing to the other doorway and striding towards it, manner of his stance suggesting that he refused to even contemplate me not following.

"You aren't going to sit down and explain things?" I asked, hurrying after him as he set off down the corridor.

"Not at all, rookie," Mustard said. "You'll get explanations, but we're walking around while we're doing it. Most likely running around, too. It's also entirely plausible that you might end up soiling yourself or getting killed at some point during this process so you'll probably want to go this place's laundry and get yourself some fresh clothes afterwards. You don't really want to have blood and crap stains all over yourself during the rest of this guide; that would just be embarrassing. Then again, I'd find it funny, so maybe you should try that."

"Wait, where are we going?" I asked. "What exactly are you doing?"

Mustard turned around and leaned in close to me.

"I am going to teach you how to kill," he breathed. It was with those words, and a look into the stygian pits that were the pupils of his bloodshot eyes, that I realized the man talking to me had bid farewell to his sanity long ago. "You've had your theory, now it's time for the practical."

He stopped at a thick steel door, the hologram above it reading 'Armoury' and tapped in a code. It swung open before him and I resisted the urge to gulp; it appeared that he also had access to guns.

"Right," Mustard said, stepping into a large, concrete room occupied shelves of weaponry of various kinds. He pulled an assault rifle from a shelf and handing it to me. From the two-pronged design and the curved top, I recognized it to be an M-8 Avenger assault rifle, standard issue to all Alliance Marines.

"This is Arthur. He is your assault rifle. Look after him out there and don't lose him. If you lose him I'll have to skin you alive and I don't have a change of clothes which means I'll get funny looks on the commute home tonight and that's just awkward. Also, stop listing out every detail about the weapon like you just did, it's boring for most people and anybody who's that interested in that sort of thing needs to be castrated before they can breed."

I raised my eyebrows as he pulled a shotgun from a shelf. Mustard could read my mind?

"Can't just read your mind, rookie, I can see right through the fourth wall," he replied. "Normally I wouldn't do it, but I've got to hold your hand out there the whole time or else you'll end up like that squad I took out a few weeks ago. Lucas is still bitching at me about that for some reason. Don't know why, I mean, once we actually managed to stuff the kid's intestines back inside him he was fine aside from the intensive counselling he's going to need for the next few years."

"What?" I exclaimed.

"Just don't think about being eviscerated by a Banshee and you'll be fine, rookie," Mustard replied, hauling a suit of combat armour and a webbing harness already packed with spare thermals and grenades off another shelf. "Get these on, will you?"

I pulled the suit on as he stopped at another doorway on the other side of the room. This one, I noticed, was covered with a great number of warnings advising that, under no circumstances whatsoever, to open the door. As the Brit tapped several pass codes in, had his fingerprints scanned, had his retinas read, a blood sample taken and finally pressed a big red button marked 'do not press' he said to me; "Right, before we go out there, I want you to remember the three main principles of war. Or at least, writing war. The first two principles would probably be useful in a war, but I'm not so sure about the last one. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. These principles are; geography, method and flow."

He span a wheel on the door and we stepped free of the room, right into hell. The ground was a mud field, riven with craters and scarred by lines of trenches. Barbed wire and sandbags were scattered across the battlefield, while overhead the sky was turned black and read by choking clouds of smoke and ash.

"Principle one!" Mustard called, jogging towards the nearest trench. I followed, boots splashing in the mud, glancing back at the reinforced doorway into the armoury which was somehow standing upright in the middle of a battlefield.

"Geography! Know your battlefield, and make sure the reader knows it too!"

He slid down into the deep ditch, ankle deep in muddy water and glanced up at me as I hovered at the edge.

"Dammit, rookie, do your want your head shot off by a Cannibal while you stand up there gawping? Get down here!" he called. I obeyed after a moment, dropping into the trench, looking along the high mud walls that ran away from us in either direction, a straight line that terminated at a corner at either end.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Earth," Mustard replied. "Never been quite sure where, but it's the middle of 2186 and the Reapers are busy killing everything that moves."

"How did we get here? Or is this like a holodeck?"

"Dammit rookie, we dragged you halfway across the galaxy and through one hundred and seventy years of history," Mustard said, giving me a look that wasn't at all impressed. "Give us some credit, why don't you? Besides, if this was a holodeck do you I would have mentioned the intestines and counselling?"

He had a point, deranged as it was.

"Now where was I?" Mustard asked, pressing himself up against the corner made of mud and half-rusted metal holding it up. He had been at geography. "That's the one, yeah. Right, it's important that the audience knows where this is happening, and have a good idea of the whereabouts of at least one character in the fight. Combat is chaotic and confusing for you, but if the reader gets baffled they can quickly lose interest. You don't want that, so you give them a good idea of the layout of the area."

He raised his shotgun up and turned around the corner. I followed a moment later, the sights of my Avenger showing me a T-junction in the trench along with the entrance to a foxhole directly ahead us.

"Good work, rookie," Mustard said, as I wished that he would stop calling me rookie. "You managed to get a scene of the scene while not getting too bogged down in the description. But none of that passive-aggressive thought conversation stuff that I'm not supposed to know but do, I hate that, rookie."

"Anyway," he continued, advancing towards the foxhole. "Geography is important in giving us an anchor in the scene and allowing the reader to know exactly what the hell is going on. Maintain a strong sense of geography, know where you can and can't go, what gives you a good field of fire, where cover is and your fight scenes will benefit. Also, you'll probably stay alive longer, that might help. Which bring me onto my second principle."

From the darkness of the foxhole a pair of blue dots glimmered. With a gasping hiss, a Husk lurched from the hole, desiccated hands reaching forwards to grab and strangle, jaws wide. Mustard's shotgun boomed, the weapon bucking in his hands as the automaton toppled back with a spray of ichor, landing in the watery mud in a tangle of useless limbs.

"Method," Mustard said, cocking his weapon. "How do you kill the bad guys? Right, do you know why Michael Bay's Transformer movies are all shit?"

Because they're badly acted, badly written, shallow, ignored the robots in favour of Megan Fox and were all about Shia LeBouf trying to get laid?

"That's several of the reasons," Mustard said. "And if you keep doing that think-talking I'm going to kneecap you, do you understand? But you know what else made them shit? All the time Michael Bay was like 'holy shit, there's a sports car and there's then an explosion and the buildings are all falling down and there are fighter jets and wooow look at these special effects!' And do you know why the new Judge Dredd film is awesome?"

"I haven't seen it yet," I replied.

"Oh yeah, it hasn't come out in the States yet, has it?" Mustard said. "Suckers. Anyway, I won't spoil anything for you but it's awesome because Dredd's basic methods of killing bad guys are simple. Dredd shoots them, he punches them and now and again he throws them off a balcony. Just shooting people and lobbing a grenade at them is both more realistic than whole ton of special effects and ZOMG explosionzors bollocks and it doesn't make the audience feel like they're being treated like idiots; its better to be practical than be flashy, as it makes combat feel more realistic and thus more interesting. Nobody cares about your uber flashy superpowers, rookie. Your superpowers are shit. You are also shit. You will amount to nothing and you're just writing this story in order to enact a wish fulfilment fantasy that will give you a few hours respite from your empty, boring life but I'm getting sidetracked now. Also, look up the Judge Dredd film on the extranet once we get back, it'll be easy to find and educational. Also, try and find time to watch Christopher Nolan's next movie after Man of Steel; he kind of went nuts during the filming and became convinced he was a reincarnation of Stanley Kubrick, but it's really good. Completely insane, and you'll never look at toilet roll in the same way, but one of the best films I've ever seen."

"So what you're basically saying is put realistic limits on myself and my characters in order to make the combat more plausible?" I asked once I managed to sift through his conversational clutter.

"You aren't as dumb as you look, rookie," Mustard nodded, setting off down the right branch of the trench past the foxhole. "Just bear in mind that it doesn't exclude canning plans or application of lateral thinking or unconventional tactics in order to deal with more formidable forces. If anything, it has the added side effect of encouraging that sort of thing and also adding a greater sense of threat to combat. You might have the basic tools of shoot them, melee them, grenade them and maybe biotic them, but you can make some pretty awesome fight scenes with those if you want to be clever."

He stopped at an opening in the trench wall and peered around it.

"Right," he said. "We've got a whole load of hostiles out there. Simply walking out there and shooting them up isn't going to work."

He moved, a twist carrying him across the opening and onto the other side in a single swift movement, pressed against the wall once more. I took position on the other side.

"Principle one, rookie," Mustard said. I glanced around the corner and grimaced; I counted five Cannibals along with a pair of Marauders in a large circular pit in the trench network. One of the former Turians and a Batarian Husk were on a raised area at the back, leading to another part of the trenches, and a raised sheet of metal provided cover for both them and a barrier generator. "Good work; know the enemy, and know the area. We can't just charge out there all guns blazing, though, can we? Too many of them. So, what are the tools we have for the job?"

"We've got flash grenades and frag ones, as well as our weapons," I said.

"So how do we deal with this?" Mustard asked.

I thought for a moment.

"Toss a frag up next to the generator to take out the two on the high ground along with their generator, and a smoke by the entrance so we can get into that pit without being seen," I said.

"Good thinking," Mustard said, pulling a frag grenade from the webbing harness he wore. "You've got puny arms so you chuck the smoke. I'll deal with the two ones up top."

I pulled the smoke canister free.

"On three," I said. Mustard nodded. "One, two, three."

I wrenched the pin free and rolled the canister out into the centre of the pit, white smoke vomiting from it a moment later. Mustard lobbed his own grenade overarm and sent it sailing into the enemies by the generator. They gave a hissing yowl of alarm before it detonated with a deep crump, and we moved.

Both of us exploded around the corner, between the borders of the smoke cloud and the pit, into the strip of clear area that we could see through. A dark shape lurched towards me from the smoke and I squeezed the trigger. Barking and roaring in my hands, recoil thudding into my shoulder, my Avenger's shots ravaged the body of the enemy and it collapsed to the ground.

Next to me, Mustard's shotgun boomed as he eviscerated a Cannibal, and he nodded into the smoke that was beginning to clear. I had to abandon the first principle for a few moments as my vision was taken up by cloying white smoke, and what I hoped was Mustard was only a blurry shape on my left. A hunched figure loomed from nowhere and a Cannibal slammed into me shoulder first. Water splashed around me as I fell and I raised my Avenger. With a rapid thudding I opened up with full auto on it, sending it reeling back. A warning beep sounded as the thermal ran dry and I kicked out at the former Batarian's knee as it turned to face me. Its roar of triumph turned to a yell of pain as it fell and I ejected the thermal, slamming another home as it tried to rise. Rounds raked it, sending it jerking and twitching, and I pulled myself to my feet.

The smoke had cleared and to my left I could see the ravaged corpse of another Cannibal behind Mustard. He had his foot on the chest of the last Marauder, and with a final blast from his shotgun, tore its skull away in a spray of viscera.

He looked up from his grisly work, kicking the body away, and grinned at me.

"Not too bad, rookie," he said. "Of course, I had a hand in it on account of actually being the current author of this entire guide and thus doing it how I would write a fight scene, but Lucas said I'm supposed to try this whole positive reinforcement rubbish after the time I made that girl cry so I'm going to pretend it was you to shut him up."

"So," he said as he stepped up the ramp that lead to the now defunct barrier generator towards the far entrance. "What separates a good fight scene from a truly great one, then? You can have a pretty good fight with just the first two principles, but it's the third one that makes them really good. Flow. Now I appreciate that that initially sounds awfully vague, but flow in this case flow is pretty easy to pin down; it's the progression from one sentence to the next in a paragraph, that's all."

He stopped at the far entrance to the pit, and I stepped into the cramped confines of the trench with him.

"Now," Mustard said, calling up an omnitool and tapping some buttons. "Let's review."

I watched as the scene rewound, the enemies rose from the dead, we fought a fighting retreat instead of an advance and the grenades tumbled back to where we were.

"Er…how?" I managed.

"I already told you that we can mess around with time here," Mustard said. "We take education very seriously here at the Empeorie Academy, and I'm not feeling lazy today so I won't make you scroll up the page. And before you ask, I don't know how it works but I have made millions on the lottery with it already. Just don't tell Lucas that, he tends to get pissy about me playing silly buggers with the fabric of reality. Guy's got a real stick up his arse, sometimes."

He tapped a button and…

Both of us exploded around the corner, between the borders of the smoke cloud and the pit, into the strip of clear area that we could see through. A dark shape lurched towards me from the smoke and I squeezed the trigger. Barking and roaring in my hands, recoil thudding into my shoulder, my Avenger's shots ravaged the body of the enemy and it collapsed to the ground.

Next to me, Mustard's shotgun boomed as he eviscerated a Cannibal, and he nodded into the smoke that was beginning to clear. I had to abandon the first principle for a few moments as my vision was taken up by cloying white smoke, and what I hoped was Mustard was only a blurry shape on my left. A hunched figure loomed from nowhere and a Cannibal slammed into me shoulder first. Water splashed around me as I fell and I raised my Avenger. With a rapid thudding

I opened up with full auto on it, sending it reeling back. A warning beep sounded as the thermal ran dry and I kicked out at the former Batarian's knee as it turned to face me. Its roar of triumph turned to a yell of pain as it fell and I ejected the thermal, slamming another home as it tried to rise. Rounds raked it, sending it jerking and twitching, and I pulled myself to my feet.

I blinked as I relived the entire experience once more.

"So," Mustard said. "Tell me what you noticed about the sentences in that bit?"

"They were, er, short?" I asked.

"Exactly," he said. "Short, punchy, adrenaline laced, quick. Everything in this fight was rush rush rush, and only took less than a minute. Combat is detailed, rookie, get that fact down nice and clear; describing a good forty seconds of fighting took up two hundred and thirty two words and that was quite simply killing a couple of mooks. You have long sentences, and it's going to drag, horribly. Second thing is how the sentence starts. You see any recurring starter in those paragraphs?"

"Not really," I said after a moment.

"Exactly," Mustard said. "It's easy to start every sentence with the subject like 'I' 'he' 'the Cannibal', whatever. Don't do that; when you do, the entire fight ends up reading like a list and it's no fun. If you're worried about this being the case, give each sentence a bullet point and ask yourself if it reads like a list; it shouldn't provided that you don't always use the sentence's subject as the start, and each sentence is at least somewhat related to the next one in the paragraph. At the same time, don't overdo it and make a point of having every sentence _not _starting with the subject; that just looks weird. It's a tricky and not particularly precise science, but once you nail it you're good."

He turned towards the end of the trench, heading towards a ladder, and as he hauled himself up he added; "And a final thing before we go, because this part's wordcount is insane and is even crazier considering I wrote the majority of the thing in just two hours; make it pretty. Use a bit of poetic language and some interesting metaphors and similes here and there in the fight, it's a good way to spice things up with the writing."

Mustard pulled himself onto the muddy landscape of the battlefield and grinned at me as I arrived.

"Well, that's our part for the war effort done today," he announced with a cheery tone. "Let's go back to the Academy for tea, medals and likely PTSD counselling!"

In the distance, there was the deep, forbidding boom of a Reaper's roar.

"And let's go quickly!" he added without any loss of optimism, hurrying for the door. He hauled it open and I sped through, Mustard pulling it shut behind me. There was a clattering and rumbling as it locked itself, and finally a red light flashed and a klaxon wailed as more clanks sounded from within. Mustard looked at the light and the loud hailer and shook his head. "I really don't know why they bother with that. Complete waste of the budget."

He clapped his hands together and said; "Alright, I'm done. Get out of your armour and don't tell Lucas half the things I've said about him to you. He's still holding that time against me when I nearly tore the universe in half even though it was clearly Ian's fault."

"You nearly tore the universe in half?"

"Yeah, but we don't talk about it. It's like Fight Club, only lacking the experimental prose style and the subcontext serving as commentary on the middle classes in mid-90s America. Now get changed and get out of my sight."

_Kind of a rude way to exit. _I shook my head as I exchanged the ruined armor for my pair of clothes when I heard some voices outside.

"Oh hey Lucas!" Mustard said. "I was just going to..."

He was interrupted by the sound of a weapon being cocked.

"Say hello, Bianca!" Lucas said with joy.

"Oh shit!"

* * *

Without knowing how long Lucas was going to have his fun I decided that it'd be best to wait in the lecture room. I stepped inside to encounter yet another surprise in the form of another young man, though he didn't look as English as Mustard.

"Oh, hey," He said. "You're the person Luc's teaching right?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"Name's Rob DS Zeta. Lucas said that the lesson would be here."

"Uh yeah, some guy named Mustard already, kind of, gave me a lesson." I said awkwardly.

"Oh. Did he talk to you about not listing details?"

"Yes."

"Geography?"

"Yes."

"Clarity?"

"Yes."

"Methods?"

"Yes."

"Creativity?"

"Yes."

"Short sentences?"

"Yes."

"Changing sentences?"

"Yes."

"Well...shit. He basically covered everything I was going to."

"Oh, well...this is awkward."

"What we need is something to break this silence." Rob said thoughtfully.

"Burn!" Lucas shouted, coupled with the sound of flames being released.

The door opened as Mustard ran past, quickly followed by the flames, confirming the sounds.

"Burn! If it's a choice between regular or extra crispy I want you extra crispy! Burn!"

Lucas' shouting stopped along with the flames when he backed up to the look at me through the door.

"By the way, I have no idea what I'm going the next lesson will be so you'll just have to wait and see."

He didn't give me time to respond, he was already out the door. "

"Mustard stop running so fast! Stop! Stop! I need to burn you! Oh please let me burn you! I hate you Mustard! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Rob and I had peeked out the door with one thought.

"This is sad." _He's been driven to the point of quoting machinima's nobody remembers._

* * *

**Authors Note : What I said was true. I really have no idea what I'm going to do for the next chapter. Though I do have an idea. So until then, have a good time. Special thanks to Colonel-Mustard1990 and Rob DS Zeta, PEACE.**

**P.S. I was going to originally end this with me setting fire to Piers Morgan but I figured the gag at the end was enough. Oh also, the first person to name what Machinima I'm quoting gets a box of internet cookies.**


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